There is an individual aspect to EFT therapy! EFT couples therapy will deliver the greatest benefit if each partner in the marriage forms an individual project for themselves. To this end I encourage the scheduling of individual meetings… at least 1x month, sometimes 2x per month, to support the growth of each partner’s individual project. It is crucial that both participate in the individual part of the work. This makes the therapeutic work symmetrical. Otherwise the couples therapy becomes lopsided.
Part of my agenda here is that the eft work support individual growth at the same time that it supports marital growth.
Growth in one realm supports growth in the other. This leads to a more integrated life and integrated world.
It also prepares the marriage for the years following the therapy. By staying connected to your individual growth, you will always have an individual richness to bring home to the marriage… which continually reinvigorates the marriage. The marriage becomes the holding context of your life and your world. The sharing of your individual growing becomes the fertilizing source of innovation in the marriage.
In the individual project you have the opportunity to dig into the “ins and outs” of your inner triggers in the marriage… what Sue Johnson refers to as “raw spots.” These are the different places of threat that live within each in the marriage. In the context of the individual session each person gets to more deeply understand historical origins of the raw spots in their life, and more deeply understand how they evoke such powerful reactivity within themselves in any current day. Please note reactivity can be expressed through shutting down as much through emotional escalation.
The deeper understanding deriving from each partner’s individual project, once the negative cycle is lowered, can then lead to a much deeper level of vulnerable sharing in the marriage, and much more feeling of connection and intimacy. Which in turns feeds back into individual healing for both partners.
Special mention must be made of the shame/blame cycle. Blaming and shaming is typically the biggest obstacle to marital healing. As is inevitable in life generally, it is inevitable in marriage that disappointments, hurts and missteps occur. This fact is heightened in marriage precisely because marriage is the one place where we most want to feel the world on our side… so the threats of failed support and attunements are greatest… and therefore the situation where we are most likely default to our historical defenses. This is the situation in life where marital partners are most likely to resort to both blaming and shaming the other; the situation of our greatest need on the one hand, and greatest vulnerability on the other hand.
The EFT couples method is specifically designed to take down the blaming/shaming cycle. First by tracking in great detail the “back and forth” of the couples negative cycle, and then unpacking each partners “defensive moves” to the human vulnerable feelings underneath, ultimately to the unspoken positive intentions down even deeper… the threatening cycle gets transformed into a story about two people who care about each other. Slowly, safety and reassurance enters into the room, and with this the fear of being blamed and shamed is replaced by a feeling of empathic connection.
Most of this work is accomplished within the actual couples sessions. However, the work from the individual meetings can truly deepen each partners awareness of what happens inside of themselves individually when the cycles are activated. This provides a huge additional resource to bring to bear while working through these negative cycle moments. Rather than react defensively, each partner is more resourced to talk about what is happening inside of themselves… to share rather than react. The individual work maximizes the likelihood of this positive outcome.
