The first sessions in EFT couples therapy
The EFT Process in First Sessions
Commonly EFT couples therapy begins with a question such as “what is hard between the two of you?” or “how are you both hurting?” or “what is happening between you?” The point is to begin to bring forth how the relationship dance goes… and the process of the “negative cycles” in the marriage.
Next, I ask the couple to give me an instance or two where this negative cycle has happened. With each specific instance, I go into granular detail… “you said this, the other said that, and you responded how, and how did the other respond to that, etc.” I want to get down the dance steps of exactly how the negative cycle unfolds. Even these beginning questions tend to be organizing of a couples’ marital experience, and this commonly provide some relief… and hope! This sorting out the negative cycle is a process that will be repeated many times over the course of the therapy. Laying out the negative cycle in all of the numerous hard moments in the marriage, becomes a skeleton upon which to hang/guide the therapy. Commonly in EFT, it is customary to video or audio record the session so as to be able to study exactly how the back and forth interaction goes.
As I mirror back to the couple the dance steps of their cycle I begin to include and inquire about the feelings inside for each partner. “They said this, you responded with this, but what were you feeling inside that drove your response?” I begin to supplement the back and forth responding from each partner by inviting a sharing of what the feelings are inside, and how the reactive responding is driven by the feelings inside.
Commonly, the feeling inside is driven by some sense of threat, and I point out how the negative behaviors are attempted self-protection of the threatened feeling inside. In doing so, I highlight the understandability of how the threatened feeling inside gives rise to the particular defensive behaviors in each partner.
Commonly, in these early meetings, whenever possible, I highlight the positive intentions present in each partner… the positive intentions that gets lost, misunderstood, and not recognized in the negative cycle.
As the sessions progress, I begin to spend more time with each partner probing into and organizing the emotional feelings inside. In this process, following the seminal works of John Bowlby and Sue Johnson, the emotional triggers within each partner are traceable to “attachment injuries and insecurity” both earlier in life and in the marriage. Sue Johnson, in particular, has highlighted how, at the core of things, both partners are filled with attachment seeking and longing. That attachment is the motor that drives couples to be together… but also that attachment is inherently vulnerable, thereby leaving couples’ easily triggered, ready to go into defense… and that defense begets defense, resulting in the negative cycle.
In these early sessions we begin to discern the difference between the defensive behaviors of the cycle, and the emotional trigger that happens underneathe. Unpacking for each partner what is threatened and triggered inside begins to activate empathy within each partner for the other, empathy in place of the negative cycle. Images of the other as rejecting or attacking begin to be counterbalanced begin to be replaced by well-meaning images of the other as vulnerable, fearful and defended.
Note, I have increasing found it valuable to have a one-on-one session with each partner in the first weeks of the couples therapy. This provides me a special opportunity to better understand the triggering process within each partner in the marriage, and how the respective life histories contribute to triggering vulnerability. These individual meetings, which will happen periodically throughout the therapy, allow me to support each partner in understanding and grappling with their own triggering process. In this vein, I ask each partner to begin to formulate an individual project, which is theirs to work on… that will ultimately feed back into the marriage in a positive way. This lends itself to two vectors of healing in the marriage: one, the healing of the negative cycle between the partners, and two, the healing within each partner in relationship to their own emotional injuries inside. The tying together of these two vectors of healing deepens the EFT work, and better guarantees that the benefits of the therapy will last a lifetime. More about this later!