It is so important that the EFT couples work permeate very deeply into the individual consciousness of each partner. That each partner ask themselves, “how do I contribute the the negative cycle in the marriage?” It is always true that each partner has blockages within, and “blind spots” about how they contribute to the negative cycle process. While many of these blockages can be engaged in the couples meetings, the full understanding of the blockages and how to work them through often requires depthful individual followup by the therapist.
The question is… what is the crucial “additional understanding” that each partner needs to have open-hearted healing interactions with their partner? This insight is arrived at in both the couple’s and individual conversations. An important aspect of this process is that it is felt as a “light bulb going off in the head.” A sense of something new! It is important for long term marriages that they are not only a place of safety but also a source of new self-discovery. As a therapist with couples it important to be able to periodically inquire about this process of fresh discovery in the marriage.
As couples therapy progresses, and two people begin to get along better… each partner, typically, is careful not to say or do things that are going to trigger their partner. At the same time both partners in the marriage work within their own individual selves to manage their own vulnerable propensity to get triggered. This all happens as security in the marriage grows and open communication has come to replace the negative cycle. Negative moments are increasingly taken as “misdemeanors” and not as “felonies.” Partners work both not to offend or to be easily offended.
There is a particular way each of us wants to be appreciated… a way that is personal to us. This gets so buried in the negative cycle it seldom gets heard. Typically what the other person hears is something negative, something along the lines of how the other fails to appreciate! The desire ends up coupled with criticism, and seldom gets lovingly taken in by the other. This then sets off a negative cycle in place of an important sharing that could bring the couple much closer. As the therapy evolves there are valuable moments when each in the marriage has the opportunity to vulnerably speak the particular appreciation they long for. When this is shared in a vulnerable as opposed to blaming way, the chances of positive reception and significant healing are very high!
We all carry within us emotional sensitivities… psychological wounds where we have felt abandoned, rejected, misunderstood, devalued or shamed in our attachment histories. Following Sue Johnson, we refer to these emotional injuries as “raw spots.” Typically, we carry the hope within that the support and safety with our primary partner will heal our raw spots… it is painfully disillusioning for so many of us to discover that it is precisely our partner who most triggers these raw spots within. (to be cont)
After many decades of working with couples I have come across a significant minority of situations where persons in the role of pursuers or avoiders in one relationship, switch these roles in succeeding relationships. A person might be a pursuer in one relationship but an avoider in a subsequent relationship, and visa versa. This contrast is pause for reflection… as it challenges the notion of pursuing/avoiding as personality traits and points to the two types as external adaptations to varied relationship situations. (to be continued)
