The problem of “object lack” fused with our own shame about ourselves

The problem of “object lack” in our lives is that it gets all mixed in with our own conclusions about ourselves as rejectable. And it activates our own deep shame over who we are. This creates a kind of fusion between the barriers towards towards the primary other we deeply need and the sense that our own badness/undesirablenessis is the reason for our being rejected or not responded to. This combination of factors makes it highly likely that trying to work past our issues with our primary other will result in activating defensive negative cycles rather than create healing. This is why couples therapy, such as eft, is so often needed to help couples disentangle their fused reactivities to enable truly connecting healing, conversations.