Recently I have been exploring the notion that the seeds of a “core negative cycle” are present in most couples from the very beginning of the relationship. The idea goes something like this. That couples, parallel to becoming attached and bonding with each, also become consciously/unconsciously aware of qualities in the other that trigger anxiety, apprehension, judgement, or fear. However, in the heat of the early attachment/bonding process, these negative concerns are pushed to the side, barely recognized, or not seen at all. In technical terms, suppressed or repressed. This is almost universally done by both parties in the relationship in the interest of protecting the newly developing but vulnerable primary attachment. Perhaps in response to a biological imperative, if we consider that human attachment behavior, in addition to being a psychological process, is even more deeply a biological phenomenon. In essence, we are powerfully motivated to ignore or try to ignore, these threatening differences lest they threaten the precious love we want to bring into being.
I am drawn to this understanding after years of helping couples through their negative cycle process only to finally confront/engage a central negative cycle which often involves fundamental personality differences that the couple has never fully faced up to. A certain place where the couple has an almost autoimmune/allergic reaction to each other. However, having worked through many negative cycles leading up to this point in time, the couple comes to this moment with many emotional successes under their marital belt, and finally have the requisite sense of safety and security to talk about these core differences in a compassionate caring way. Said differently. they come to this moment with hard won “object constancy” that allows them to finally look head on at differences they were too frightened to fully see up till now. In a way it is like finally looking at the “bogey man” head on… and realizing that you are no longer terrified! And that the differences are just that, just differences!
