There is a notion in psychodynamic psychotherapy of “primary object;” in essence, the caretaker who held/nurtured us/made us safe in early childhood. The one, commonly the mother, sometimes the father, who we emotionally invested in and turned to in need. The relationship that forms the foundation of our attachment world. The contact with this person is literally life-giving when we are young. It is in this relationship where we first learn about love. And where we become awakened to the fuel that drives our lives.
To a degree, it is this same kind of feeling that drives us latter in life in our love relationship with our primary partner/spouse. Consciously, often unconsciously, we seek that same life-giving supply with that person. This morning, I am reflecting upon how totally painful it is, how much we suffer, when that emotional access to our partner is blocked… when we cannot make our way to the fuel supply of contact with the person we love. This is, inherently, a situation of powerful suffering. And, for some of us, an almost an unbearable repeat of what happened in our traumatic childhoods.
My reflection this morning is on this suffering… caused by blocked, unreachable, scared off, self-rejected, or minimized connection. Of course, for many of us, these feelings are hardly ever felt… they are warded off by powerful defenses, displacements and addictions.
This morning, however, I am in touch with how much pain we carry inside when the life-giving connection cannot be made, no matter how much the defenses or distractions operate. That the pain is too much, and how many of us… we numb ourselves – to survive!
