Effective couples therapy does not mean that the negative cycle inherent in the marriage-of-opposites is forever ended. While it is true that eft couples work most commonly results in a large reduction of negative cycles and greatly improved marital relating… underlying vulnerabilities to disappointment and misunderstanding remain. This is certainly the case for the large majority of couples I have worked with. It is also the case between my wife and I in our marriage-of-opposites.
In this vein, the continuation of a good marriage requires “work.” I hesitate to use the the word “work” because of the grim connotation it carries for many long struggling marriages. What I have in mind here is a “mature showing up” for the hard conversations that emotionally alive couples must be willing to have. But this is very different from the taxing/soul-sucking negative cycles that most couples first bring to couples therapy. Rather, these are conversations predominated by a sense of safety and trust between partners, even though they involve challenging individual differences, and vulnerable hot spots for both partners. The outcome of these conversations is not one of grim forbearance; instead it is a process filled with rewarding connection and support. In essence, the continuing “work” of a good marriage is inherently rewarding and reinforcing of attachment… ultimately joyful, not work at all!
