Speaking abstractly, each pattern of “being in the world” is a habit of seeking nourishment of that which is desired… and a habit of defense protecting against that which is feared. Habits are deeply ingrained automatic ways of behaving. Changes in marital therapy (and individual therapy) involve shifts to relating in new ways. And to relate in new ways with our primary partner means taking in offerings from them that we have long ago learned to ignore or diminish. Even when we consciously come to want to shift in this or that crucial way we still run into our unconscious habits that resist valuing, and often cannot even see… what our partner has to offer.
