The two different action tendencies (pursuing and avoiding) are two different ways of responding to vulnerability. One reaches for reassurance from the other to be reassured while the other holds back and cautiously proceeds until the signs indicate that is is safe to proceed. The pursuer will commonly not be reassured by the avoiders holding back, and the avoider will commonly feel intimidated by the pull from their partner to come forward.  `

Thinking about the two different action tendencies… to pursue or to avoid. And about how each in the marital dance, is somehow doing the best that they can… but within the framework of their respective tendency to either reach or to hang back. If each could tell their attachment story, there would be two different depictions of how contact comes to be made. 

Each has a picture of how the love dance comes to fruition, but the pictures are commonly different, and in the fusion of loving, both are commonly unaware of how different the other’s picture is. And when the love dance fails each often miss-concludes that the other doesn’t actually love them at all. 

Some cannot escape the feeling of “being bad,” while some others cannot bear the feeling of “being bad.” This is a common but very difficult contrast in many marriage-of-oppposites. Among these couples the core experience of each partner can be inherently threatening to the other. This sense of mutual threat can deeply interfere with the couple’s experience of mutual empathy, joining/connecting, or being “on the same page.” 

Commonly, the partner identified with “being bad” can end up feeling very alone and judged in their badness… that they are the only one in the marriage who is bad. This sense of not “sharing the badness'” can overwhelm profoundly threaten their sense self-worth/self-esteem, resulting in defensive attempts to throw the “badness” back at their more self-assured, defended partner. 

There are two situations that commonly block empathy for one’s partner. The first is when we have have been traumatically damaged by our partner, as in situations of infidelity, life threatening addictions or intimidating rages. The other is in situations where our own self-image does not permit the acknowledgment of our own hurtful imitations. 

Always the deeper question is not about the “content” of the fight, but the “how” of how you talk to each other. It is not “what” you are arguing about but rather how you are “interacting” that truly drives the negative cycle. `