Speaking abstractly, each pattern of “being in the world” is a habit of seeking nourishment of that which is desired… and a habit of defense protecting against that which is feared. Habits are deeply ingrained automatic ways of behaving. Changes in marital therapy (and individual therapy) involve shifts to relating in new ways. And to relate in new ways with our primary partner means taking in offerings from them that we have long ago learned to ignore or diminish. Even when we consciously come to want to shift in this or that crucial way we still run into our unconscious habits that resist valuing, and often cannot even see…  what our partner has to offer. 

Most of us have had significant attachment wounding in our early lives. Hence, we bring to our adult primary attachments a certain amount of insecure expectations, to which we respond to with either pursuing or avoiding modes of defending. Most of us have never learned how to talk about these feelings, one person to another. Our romantic attachments leave us feeling so youngly vulnerable, we commonly function from the expectation that mutual attunement should just work out on its own. In essence, we commonly function from a kind of self-other fusion when it comes to our primary attachments. Hence when attunement fails or disappoints, we are caught without sufficient differentiation to be able to be able to actually communicate about our differences, rather, we just react.  

I have found that periodic individual sessions can be very helpful in taking down blockages to the eft couples treatment, and very helpful in an overall deepening of the couples treatment. Providing the trust of the therapist is solid and reliable, these individual sessions can permit a more candid access to what is happening deeply inside of the individual in the marriage. Often such meetings are avoided by therapists for fear that they will result in splitting off the partner from the marriage. I have found that, keeping a firm grounding in attachment theory, and the defenses against attachment wounding, I am generally able to turn these individual meetings to the purpose of deepening the attachment in the marriage. The benefits to be gained from such individual meetings is that they can enable a more profound unpacking of the individual hurts and defenses in the actual couples sessions, thereby deepening the re-attachment process. 

What I wish to do here is to comment on aspects of the “avoider re-engagement” and “blamer softening” that can be crucially engaged in the individual sessions, but difficult to do with both partners present. (to be cont)

There are certain benefits that I observe to men who participate in the eft group that I conduct in my practice. First, there is a powerful interruption of isolation which is replaced by emotional sharing and support with other men… all who are all trying to hold onto their primary attachment worlds. Second, repeatedly witnessing the different men “unpacking” the negative cycle process in each of their marriages deeply instills within each man the eft understanding of how marriages go astray; that there is a “rhyme and reason” to marriages in trouble, and it is not shameful proof of moral failing or “bad marriage.” Third, they get to witness many of the victorious moments when the eft work improves and restores marriages, thus growing within each of the men healthy optimism about the eft therapeutic process. Forth, the different men bring different assets and levels of maturity to working on their marriages. It does not escape the men’s notice when one of the members displays a greater capacity for loving their wives, empathic understanding of someone different, greater commitment in the face of struggle, or, in general, functioning from greater maturity in their marriage/family relationship. Over time, these “higher angel” capacities of some of the men… come to influence all the men! The men come to emulate and internalize the best qualities in each other!

In my experience, the “personal projects” of the core-styled pursuer and outer-styled avoider are significantly  different. The task of the avoider is to engage the fearful underpinnings of why they do not reach out. The task of the pursuer is to engage the underpinnings of emotional escalation and compromised self-regulation. 

Of late, I have been experimenting with following up actual eft sessions with 15 minute phone calls to this or that partner “stuck” in the eft process. What I have been noticing is that these followup conversations are most productive when we are able to directly talk about how that person is doing in their own personal project to understand their contribution to the marital negative cycle, rather than focus upon their partners missteps.

The intention of these phone calls is to be able to create one-on-one safety where the partner “stuck” in the eft process feels safer to open up about the vulnerabilities inside and let me help them with how to proceed, both in the next session and in their life outside the session. Oftentimes these conversations help locate an underlying vulnerable feeling that needs to be shared in session with their partner. And a recognition of the defensive functioning that is interrupting the process. Sometimes, the phone session will engage dysfunctional ways of thinking about the marriage, suggesting healthier ways of thinking. Often times I take these opportunities to once again present the “positive attachment reframe” about their partners behavior that is hard for them.