Shame destroys self-connection to feeling. This is my experience when shame gets the upper hand in my life. And this is what I observe in client after client… in marriages too.

As a therapist working with couples, I can often see how the whole dance could be different than it goes… but the couple, caught up in it, cannot see. I am just now considering, that it would be valuable to write down how we see that the dance could go and share this with the couple. And/or show them, by having them watch a portion of one of their videos, and doing gentle commentary about what would have made the interaction better, and how they might have avoided this instance of the negative cycle. This would all have to be done with positive reframing in order to prevent shaming. Among the benefits, this therapeutic action would make accessible a healthy vision to the couple of how they might evolve. Secondly, this would be another experience of the couple observing the negative cycle, but with the recognition that it requires only small changes to convert the negative to a positive cycle, that the challenge to get better is not huge but very reachable. All of this would require extra time and resources which are often not available, but this describes a therapeutic direction I would like to explore with couples. 

At the end of it all, we all want some version of the same thing. To love and be loved. To be safe and secure. To be appreciated. To belong. To have a sense of positive status. To have positive self-esteem. 

These traits are rooted in our biology. Their expression varies from culture to culture. And cultures pull for and emphasize different pieces of a common human picture. 

And different life histories cover over and hide or distort these shared human qualities. 

I have long considered, in my therapeutic work with both couples and individuals, there is a certain something more needed to make the deepest impact possible with clients. The common truism in psychotherapy… that the therapeutic process will ultimately supply that which is missing, I have finally concluded is only half true. It is now my understanding that there are certain crucial moments where a portion of our clients benefit hugely and crucially from an additional stepping forward on the therapists part… moments when the clients internalization of the therapy goes from half baked to fully baked. These are moments that require more of us therapists.

Many of us, me included, can fear and avoid these moments. After all, they weren’t in the training manual! These are moments when we are vulnerable and exposed. When we step forward out of our common humanity with our clients, and less from our sense of the rules of how therapy is done. Commonly there is a fear of misstepping, poor reaction in the client, censure from colleagues, and ultimately, shame and rejection. Our only hope here is to surround ourselves with portions our therapeutic community that our safe for us… stay close, and share. Only by getting this deep level of support can we then bring the courage necessary to provide our clients the fullest therapy possible. 

In our shame we make ourselves other. My sense is that this has to do with the cast-out feeling that typically accompanies shame. From an evolutionary perspective shame is closely associated with the feeling of being unacceptable to the social group/tribe one belongs to. In shame we we identify with our imaginings of the group’s attitude towards us and turn against ourselves as unacceptable. Shame is the inbuilt human response to the threat of being cast-out, the sense of being pariah… the sense of being bad, whether it be the actual eyes of others, or more commonly… our internal representation of others looking at us… our expectation of how others will see us.