Although it is true that “emotions underlying attachment” are the prime movers in relationship, “how we think about our relationship” reflects our defensive needs to self-protect in our relationship. Our habitual thinking about our partner reveals our anticipations that “hurt is coming”… “so protect, protect, protect!” Of course, these “self-protective attitudes” are actually what sets up disappointment in our partner and activates their “self-protective attitudes in turn… resulting in one more negative cycle, ad infinitum!
Increasingly, I find it essential to get at how each partner thinks about the other, and the underlying assumptions that support these likely polarizing views. It is my experience that these “conclusions about the other” are partially constructed out of “distorted thinking.” These negative conclusions about the other become underlying assumptions about the other that greatly block the couples healing process.
