Leaving unaddressed for the moment, the reasons why opposites so often marry, it is generally true that the most painful moments in marriage-of-opposites happen during “conflict escalation.” While the baseline differences in the marriage-of-opposites are discouraging enough, it is primarily in the experiences of escalation that the relationship begins to feel impossible and evoking of feelings of intense anger, hate, agony and fear. By the time most couples come into therapy they have already acquired a long history of destructive relating at this escalated level.
There are three initial goals that are worthy to keep in mind in the first half of the marital healing process, and they bear repeating over time. They are the marital version of “keeping the eye on the ball.”
These three goals are interwoven. The first is to learn how to reduce the frequency of marital escalations. The second is to reduce the intensity of the escalations when they do occur. The third is to recover from the escalations faster once they have occurred. Creating progress in these three areas is generally a prerequisite for the deeper marital healing to come latter in therapy.
A useful understanding for couples to meditate on is that the “escalated relationship” is not a true measure of the “real relationship;” that the value or lack of value inherent in the “real relationship” is only discoverable when escalation has been inhibited, and then and only then, is it possible to discern who our partner is, who we are, and the essential nature of our being together.
