It is enormously valuable to keep returning to the understanding that first and foremost… marriage is a dance. Beyond all of the particulars of this or that difference between two people, the overarching truth is that it is how well two people dance or do not dance with each other in their daily life that determines the extent of marital happiness. This understanding is especially valuable because it avoids the non-therapeutic trap of authoring who is right or wrong, capable or deficient, good or bad. The matter of healing is then redirected to the non-judgmental task of improving the dance with the particular “other” who is their partner, with evaluation of “the other” reduced to secondary importance. Discussions of this or that particular difficulty in “the other” that makes the relationship difficult is held within the larger context of “how do we make this work with each other?” The focus of the marital work shifts from the particular personality flaws in each partner to how do we “transact” with each other to make the better being together. It has been my experience that even marital partners highly mired in pain and blaming are nevertheless able to acknowledge that they do suffer from dancing poorly together and ultimately would like the dance to be better. Paradoxically, this then creates the safest emotional environment in the relationship for the eventual resolutions/reconciliation of painful differences.
It is often a very challenging task to move couples away from blaming and defense into a receptive examination of their transactional process. And, in fact, the therapy must begin with, and periodically return to, the particulars of damage, hurt and anger that this or that partner has sustained in the marriage. Otherwise, the therapeutic work would have no guts and depth. However, with the contributions to marital therapy made by by therapists from the attachment theory tradition (Sue Johnson), it is readily possible and powerful to reframe particular marital hurts, blamings and defense within a framework of thwarted need for connection and safety with the other. Such a reframing often brings down polarization, invites an empathy bridge within the marriage, and guides couples into an experience of attachment and emotional collaboration. So, in essence, the particular hurts of the couple are not “ignored in the service of being more mature,” but in fact are “honored and harnessed,” in the service of acquiring what is actually most missing and most wanted… secure attachment.
