Amidst a conversation with Nancy Aikin PhD & Paul Aikin PhD of Davis CA, the topic of “shame” came up, especially the question as to whether shame is a primary emotion or a secondary reactive emotion.
Nancy made a very intersting point; that shame is reactive because it emerges from “fear of reaching out.” Upon reflection, this view is compelling because… every situation of shame that I am aware of in patients and friends is hugely helped by vulnerable reaching out to others who are empathically safe. This fits with a generally understood distinction between shame and guilt; that guilt results when we view ourselves to have caused hurt/suffering to others, whereas shame is connected to how our behavior or very being appears deficient/negative/bad in the eyes of others watching on (or potentially watching on). That our reaching out for reassurance or expression of need would be met with disregard, coldness, correction, criticism, punishment, disdain, or contempt. A question… is shame the inevitable feeling when we cannot reach to other for fear of such consequences?
