As I have recently steeped myself in the attachment literature on marriage I am reminded once again of certain fundamental understandings regarding the marriageofopposites. One such understanding is that the pursuer’s escalation into anger/rage is founded upon a desperate seeking of positive attachment reasurance and is not, at base, a desire to hurt anyone. When the pursuer encounters emotional walls in the distancer they enter into an internal crisis within themselves regarding their inner feeling of attachment safety; even mild walled-off-ness can evoke within the pursuer, often unconsciously, a sense that love has gone away and nothing of emotional connection remains. Their confrontive escalation, which often begins is a toned-down fashion but can quickly escalate when met with defensiveness, is simply an attempt to “shake the other person” into their “proper” emotional attachment senses, and come forth with concern, warmth and empathy. Of course, it all plays out terribly wrong and damage ensues for both partners, but that is not the fundamental intent.
About Orin Borders, Ph.D.
Orin Borders, Ph.D, a psychologist in private practice with a long standing interest in the Marriage-Of-Opposites, is the originator on this site.
