Communication is the primary potentiating and limiting factor in the healing of the marriage-of-opposites. As a rule of thumb, when we don’t know how to say a “certain something” that “certain something” does not get shared, or it comes out in a negative cycle way. Beyond that, when we do not have a sense of how to speak a feeling inside, or a need… the inner experience inside remains global, under-differentiated, inarticulate and poorly sorted out. If we do not know how to speak of something… we hardly know how to think about/consider/or feel that something – much less even begin to share it with someone else. Commonly, avoiders in this situation learn to repress/suppress what they are truly feeling inside; in essence they learn “not to go there,” and so much of what is felt inside never gets shared with others or even themselves. Pursuers, on the other hand, can end up repeatedly trying to communicate their feelings/needs inside but do so in a global, emotionally-infused way that threatens or scares off their partner. The acquisition of languaging skills that are both expressive and considerate of the other is a central task of eft couples therapy.
About Orin Borders, Ph.D.
Orin Borders, Ph.D, a psychologist in private practice with a long standing interest in the Marriage-Of-Opposites, is the originator on this site.
