There are some aspects of EFT that remind me of just good general marital therapy practice. And then there are additions.
First the commonalities. First, slow the couple down as they begin to escalate with each other in the session. This is necessary in order to even begin the work. Second, describe back to the couple their interactive process as they begin to escalate. “When he said this you felt what? And then you responded with this… and when she did this, you felt what and responded with this. Then you reacted with this, and then you reacted with yet this. And so on.” This describing and taking-apart-the-process generally calms things down as the couple sees they are caught up in interacting that is bigger than the particulars, allows an initial taking down of personalization and polarization. This process begins to “unpack” or “deconstruct” the locked-in, enmeshed conflict and fight. Both this describing back to the couple their enmeshed process and the unpacking of that process is common to most approaches to couples therapy.
Perhaps what is different from most schools of thought is the way that the eft therapist then deliberately goes into the individual internal process of one or the other partner, while the other partner watches on. And how often the first in-depth focus is on the more distanced, emotionally avoidant partner, often engaging the pursuing partner only long enough to calm things down to then bring forth the avoidant partner. Sometimes, at that point, much of the hour is spent exploring and “unpacking” the upper and middle layers of the avoiders feeling intimidated, fear, hopelessness, closing down, hurt, wishing it was different but helpless to make it different, etc.
On the face of it, the going into the individual process would strike many as a departure from couples therapy, which many schools of thought view as primarilly interactive. But in actuality, this “unpacking of whats inside of each as they interact” actually addresses the more profound issue of lost empathy and lost emotional connection so powerfully hurting and eroding the marriage.
This steadfast focus on taking apart the layers of individual experience within the context of the marriage characterizes EFT and stands it apart from most other approaches. In posts to follow I will begin to consider how such a process can unfold in highly therapeutic ways.
