Collapsed submission

Not uncommonly in relationships, one person may tend to dominate while the other may tend to submit and give way. The person who “carries the day” may tend to take the other’s submission as tacit validation of his or her chosen course. And, in fact, the submitting person can often feel that they are “being good” by avoiding the conflict of disagreement. However, “unpacking” the pattern of habitual submission often reveals an underlying collapse of self-assertion… and resentment and fear often live inside of of this collapsed submission. Since the submitting person is often avoidant of directly expressing their discontent, their underlying negative feelings are often not obviously recognized by their more assertive partner. However, they may note at times a sense of withdrawal, lack of initiative, absent presence or emptiness in their there submitting partner. These moment of recognition will often trigger pursuing in the assertive one, which often results in denial, sometimes more submission, and yet more distance. This becomes one common form of the negative cycle, which leaves both partner’s feeling emotionally threatened and unsafe.