Understanding how precarious things can come to feel for couples in the middle of disappointment/conflict/rupture I wanted to offer some informed understandings for couples to hold onto during these most terrible of moments.
First, I want to say, that it is highly likely, that the hard place you find yourselves in at this moment in time, is not an objective proof of fatal incompatibilities in your marriage, but rather is a particularly intense expression of “the negative cycle;” not evidence of inherent badness, but rather reflections of a particularly “bad dance” between you, filled with missteps, leaving you both demoralized and defended.
Second, I also understand that the “bad moments” can feel all the more bad in contrast to the hopefulness engendered by the therapy. There is a way that successful moments of reconnection brought about by the therapy can leave each in the marriage more vulnerable and less self-protected, resulting less defended hurting during the inevitable moments of let-down between therapy sessions.
Third, it is my impression that most couple’s therapies, at the start or the middle of treatment, depend as much upon the repairing of already occurring negative cycles, as opposed to the absolute reduction of the number of negative cycles to begin with. This highlights that the acquisition of the skill to repair is central to the success of eft treatment; this allows two persons to relax and not be so frightened of the next misstep to come… knowing that they have the skill to get back onto course with each other when the inevitable disconnections occur.
Forth, to continue with an aspect of the repair process, there are those terrible “push come to shove” moments that so many of us come to in marital therapy, moments when “we’ve had it” and we cross over the line and declare to our partner… “were done,” the negative cycle to end all negative cycles. In fact, these are generally not actual endings, but they do raise the specter of truly ending. This is a moment of existential choice, where one of several things can happen… but three possible outcomes stand out! (to be continued) An actual ending. Or the relationship can continue to limp along with added injury and insecurity. Or, one or both partners can shift out of projective blaming, drop down into the hurt vulnerable feelings underneath the negative cycle… and share.
