Over many years of couples practice there have been hundreds of moments of intense enmeshed conflict in couples sessions where the only productive intervention in my therapeutic repertoire was to encourage each in the marriage to step back and “take in” the extent of difference between themselves and their partner; in essence, a differentiating intervention. The strength and limitation of this therapeutic direction is that the room is then left occupied by two individuals trying to figure out where they stand with each other; relationship conflict is markedly reduced but also the range of the relationship connection is narrowed. The maturity and tolerance in the relationship is generally increased but at the same time the emotional foundation of the relationship is thinned. The ultimate fate of the relationship is then left largely dependent upon the increasing maturity of both in the marriage and both partners rationally choosing to accept the other, limitations and all. A valued positive outcome to this approach was that each in the marriage has effectively taken back their neurotic projections from the marriage into their own individual psyche’s, thus freeing up the marriage to be the best it can be. Note that the end result of this approach depends largely upon the ability of each in the marriage to sustain themselves individually and individually mature and personally heal. Often such an approach is combined with individual therapy, often with quite positive outcomes.
The attachment model enables a whole range of additional possibilities. Rather than viewing escalating conflict as destructive enmeshment that needs to be interrupted, it is viewed as dysfunctional expression of thwarted attachment need. Interventions are then directed to the underlying positive intent of how each partner is longing/seeking safe connection, but also defending/protecting from the anticipation that attachment is unsafe, each in fashion characteristic of their attachment history. Empathy of each others both desire and fear of connection is supported and built upon in therapy. A result of taking the therapy in this direction is that the underlying attraction/desire for the attachment is harnessed for the purposes of the therapy. This is in marked contrast to the differentiation model where underlying attachment seeking is often interrupted in the service of reducing unrealistic fantasy and enmeshment.
