Most relationships organized along marriage-of-opposites lines are deeply energized by each partner bringing certain emotional elements to the relationship that are lacking or diminished in the other partner. One especially important area where this takes place is sexuality. Generally, one in the relationship drives sexual activity more than the other, and often this pattern has been existent since the end of the marital honeymoon. Often up to the end of the marital honeymoon things are not so clear, but generally as the honeymoon stage comes to an end one or the other partner assumes a more primary sexual role.
There is great danger, and the prospects for marital healing dim, when the typically initiating partner looses sexual desire in the relationship. Certainly, all relationships suffer without the infusion of fresh feeling that can come along with an active sex life. More importantly, however, is the high likelihood that the sexually initiating partner who is no longer initiating is also beginning to disconnect and be only partially present in the marriage. When this loss of interest stretches into several months, depthful marital healing and working-through of marital disappointments becomes highly problematic. For this reason, it is crucial to engage this issue early in marital treatment, lest the marital work have no genuine chance of long-term success.
Of course, how to engage the loss of passionate interest is a multi-faceted challenge. Emphasis, however, must be focused on where in the history of the relationship the more sexual partner gave up on the other partner with a sense of defeat. At this point “huge effort” must be brought to bear to heal the recurrent disappointment between the two that led to this massive shutting down. Of course, other issues may have to be engaged before such focused work can begin. However, it is vitally important to engage this issue fairly early on in treatment, because to not do so is to attempt marital healing without the more passionate partner fully present/invested in the treatment. Such work seldom succeeds.
