A tragic misalignment

There is a common pattern of misalignment, common in young first marriages, but also found to a lesser degree in older marriages. The pattern is this… One or both in the marriage are in great fear/anxiety and agitation over anticipating failure if they reach for the partner of “their hearts desire.” So they avoid and don’t reach. Over time they identify another woman or man to approach that feels much safer to them, and with this other person they find a way to engage. However, they cannot help but think… “i am settling for someone who is less than I wanted.” Hence, they both feel badly about themselves in their partner choice, and often devalue their new partner as “less than.” Hence the joy of finally having found someone wonderful and safe to love is now complicated by their own feelings that the new relationship is evidence of their own failed worth. (to be cont.)