The “bad object” stereotype

There are predictable steps to emotional healing when one has gotten to the point where they experience their partner as essentially bad/dangerous/impossible.  This is a highly common attitude for couples in long term trouble. There are two common patterns. The first is the experience of the pursuer… commonly there is a sense that their partner is emotionally absent, checked out, not tuned in, essentially abandoning. For the avoider… their partner is seen as having a short fuse, readily escalates, and prone to dangerous anger, even rage. In both situations it is common that one or both partners end up in polarized dichotomous black/white thinking. This polarized thinking is triggered by repeated moments of feeling emotionally endangered. In this situation there is very little empathy and high fight/flight reactivity. In some important way the partner is not actually seen as a whole person… what is seen is a stereotype. And at many moments, the stereotype is experienced as absolutely real. Emotion focused therapy includes a very useful understanding of how to intervene and heal the emotional dance of this pattern between two partners. What I wish to do here is to describe the steps of interior psychological change that occur within each individual as they undergo this relationship healing. (to be cont)