One intervention that I have explored of late is to ask each in the marriage to reflect on, and write down notes about, the vision of the life that they wish/want/desire. Then, I ask the couple to take turns, each one having a session to share their vision while the other listens and asks questions about the vision being shared. The task is to be curious and inquire about the vision being shared by the other in the moment, and to inhibit any urge to counter with ones own.
There are several reasons to do this take-turn exercise. The first is to make explicit the underlying differences in visions that are implicitly present in daily life, often not overtly acknowledged, but constantly in niggling competition. The problem is that these unclarified visions end up being experienced as implicitly threatening to the other… and form an underpinning of the couples negative cycle.
The task here is to see the other… unto themselves! This then opens up a pathway of both curiosity and empathy, in place of the sense of reflexive threat that happens when what the other desires is automatically experienced as taking away from what oneself desires. This allows two in a marriage to listen to each other in a way very different than happens in an enmeshed and fused marriage where the others wishes are taken in through the filter of what they mean for our own wishes.
