In my experience, the “personal projects” of the core-styled pursuer and outer-styled avoider are significantly different. The task of the avoider is to engage the fearful underpinnings of why they do not reach out. The task of the pursuer is to engage the underpinnings of emotional escalation and compromised self-regulation.
Of late, I have been experimenting with following up actual eft sessions with 15 minute phone calls to this or that partner “stuck” in the eft process. What I have been noticing is that these followup conversations are most productive when we are able to directly talk about how that person is doing in their own personal project to understand their contribution to the marital negative cycle, rather than focus upon their partners missteps.
The intention of these phone calls is to be able to create one-on-one safety where the partner “stuck” in the eft process feels safer to open up about the vulnerabilities inside and let me help them with how to proceed, both in the next session and in their life outside the session. Oftentimes these conversations help locate an underlying vulnerable feeling that needs to be shared in session with their partner. And a recognition of the defensive functioning that is interrupting the process. Sometimes, the phone session will engage dysfunctional ways of thinking about the marriage, suggesting healthier ways of thinking. Often times I take these opportunities to once again present the “positive attachment reframe” about their partners behavior that is hard for them.
