There is a point in EFT therapy, after the couples negative cycle has has been repeatedly described and engaged, when the couple’s therapy benefits from a shift into examining the exact micro-moment process that happens within each partner that causes them to “pull the trigger” on the negative cycle. That is, it is crucially important for each in the marriage to recognize/understand exactly the steps they go though inside themselves that lead up to their own respective triggering. To a degree, the success of the therapy depends upon learning how not to end up triggered. Slowly, but persistently, each in the marriage needs to acquire “tools of understanding” that enables them to “stand down” in their reactive response. This involves learning to think differently about the negative cycle, but even more, learning to discern within oneself the “cascading individual elements” that result in fight/flight… and learning how to alter, quiet down or turn off these individual reactivities. When each in the marriage learns to discern this process within themselves, it gives them new capacities for self-control… and leaves them more more able to resist the inevitable provocations that daily occur in the marital dance.
I write these words here because it is my view that this individual component of the couples work is often not done to the depth of maximal benefit. The reason for this is understandable; so much of what is special about eft work is that both partners in the marriage learn to calm down in a mutual way as part of improving shared process with our partner; we find ourselves getting better because our partner gets better with us, and they get better because we our better with them. Better than any other therapy, eft guides and harnesses this approach, and couples often respond quickly to such a process. However, it is my understanding that depth-full individual work adds in a crucial additional amount of resilience within the couple. so that the couple is able to resist the negative cycle even when what they are getting back from their partner is not warm and connecting, even provocative!
