Most marital therapists work with a vision of increasing marital health related to the taking down of enmeshment, fostering healthy individuation in both partners, thereby clearing the way for empathy, communication, intimacy, play, and mutual acceptance. This vision of marriage can only happen if both partners are on the “relationship playing field.” If one in the marriage is avoidant, and does not show up for emotional connection, this picture of a positive evolving marriage cannot emerge.
It is my current belief that the strongest hope for marriages troubled in this fashion rest with the establishment of outside structure that reliably requires both partners to interact/engage the emotional issues and differences in the relationship. Regularity and high frequency are central in the success of outside structure, at least until such time that the structure becomes internalized within both individuals in the marriage.
Couples therapy is probably the single most potent form of outside structure. Couples groups are another. Religious or spiritual community is sometimes still another. In general, there is a terrible impoverishment of outside community support to support couples in showing up and staying on the playing field. (to be continued)
