There is the whole topic Of accountability in marriage. Accountability has to do with our “being responsible” for what we bring to our partner. In order for this even to be a factor in our marital lives we we must have a sense of ourselves in the relationship beyond our reacting to our partner, a sense of ourselves not only embedded in the marital dance, but also as individuals “choosing how we are in marital dance.” Our ability to offer ourselves and our partner “win-win” engagements is built upon this larger sense of ourselves as being both capable of choices and responsible for our choices.
Hence, in marriage we are always in dialectic between our reacting to our partner and our choosing within ourselves how we want to proceed with our reacting. This is at the center of the marital dance. Do we feel “room within ourselves” as we respond to our partner or do we feel locked into something with the other that precludes a sense of self inside that harbors our needs, wishes and dreams.
By accountability, I have in mind something far more profound that simply following through with what we verbally promise our partners, though verbal promises are certainly a part of the picture. This larger sense of accountability is concerned with our being true to ourselves in our lives with our partner, and our being true to the emotional depth of the relationship. It does not mean never failing or never hurting our partner. It does mean that “at the end of the day” we take our partner in, and care about what is there experience, even if we struggle with what they bring to us. And it does mean that, past the understandable moments of an inflamed fight, at the end of the day, we do not dismiss our partner with various labels “bad” or “impossible” … and if we do we must know about ourselves that we and our relationship are in difficulty that requires healing.
