The key in marital negative cycles is “the picture of the other” as “the bad object”… the view of the other as essentially bad, rather  than as a whole object, which is a more realistic picture of the other as having a mix of good and bad qualities. In order for the couple to heal, it essential to moderate this pattern of all bad projection from each partner onto the other. 

The view advocated here is that we get at this dynamic both through an unpacking of the negative cycle as it repeats in the actual couples sessions (with both partners present)… and through individual sessions where we explore each partners interior psychology that sets them up for the “all bad” blaming of the the other. It is this combined approach that offers the fullest marital repair. This combined work also leaves the couple with their own resources for emotional repair long after the couples therapy has ended. 

The individual meetings are especially important because they enable an opening of deep underlying attitudes in the marriage that can remain unclear in the actual couples sessions. The concern here is that it is quite possible to have powerful healing moments in the couple’s sessions… only to have them not sustained after the session because of underlying attitudes of disbelief on the part of both partners. In this vein, couples can have really good moments in the couples sessions, only to not hold onto these better moments because of unspoken interior disbelief maintained outside of the sessions.

Elaborate this point further around the theme of vulnerability.

In these moments each partner is vulnerable to representing the other as the “bad object,” a term derived from “object relations theory.” In the context of marriage this occurs when the other’s negative behavior is viewed as “all bad” rather than as a mix of attributes, some good, some bad. These “all bad projections” set each partner up to feel threatened and insecure in the marriage, commonly resulting in escalating negative cycles. The individual meetings are especially useful in helping each partner moderate their tendency to end up with a bad object view of their partner.

The model presented here requires work with the back and forth of the couples dynamic and individual conversations with each partner in the relationship. The individual conversations are crucially important in getting full access to the emotional injuries created by the negative cycles in the marriage. Bringing forth the deep hurts not previously shared in the marital conversation enables far deeper healing and empathy in the marriage than when the only work is with the couple alone.

Many highly accomplished individuals utilize their accomplishments as emotional compensations for core emotional hurts. Commonly these accomplishments embue them with a sense of self-importance that fends off terrible historical memories of vulnerability and feelings of not mattering. Current evidence of accomplishments fends off interior core insecurities where love and security are uncertain. Not uncommonly, this pattern of psychological defense results in failed emotional contact with current marital partners. Partners to highly accomplished individuals can often feel missing intimacy and emotional connection with their accomplished partner. This can result in characteristic negative cycles where the accomplished partner feels criticized and not appreciated on the one hand, while their partner can feel emotionally abandoned and not met on the other hand. This is a common marital dance for couples who seek therapy.

These marriages often run into the biggest difficulties when aging in the latter half of life. As accomplished partners slow down near retirement… they commonly feel less support and self-protection supplied by their careers, leaving them more vulnerable to anxiety and depression, without the interpersonal resources that their less accomplished partner has cultivated. This can lead to a role reversal in the marriage.

Beyond the particular focus of this or that session, the couples sessions are a special time for the couple to actually spend connecting time together… something that is actually rare in many marriages. Many couples are so taken up with the business of family life, they actually spend very little personal time together. It is not uncommon for a couple to have quite positive family time together, but almost no significant personal time. Sometimes this is all that a session is…a time to spend hanging out in a personal way…and this is not a small thing. Of course, the therapist task is to help create an atmosphere of safety that will enable a struggling couple to appreciate these moments with each other, and take them in. This is very helpful background work for the actual process of working through the negative cycles in the marriage. It is easier for the therapeutic work to take hold if couple has some feeling of liking each other.